Today is a big day. It is, after all, October 24, 2014. Today marks seven years since my mom left this earth. Today marks the day that I launch my blog. Today I take a day that for the last seven years has been filled with tears and sadness and turn it into something else. Today is in honor of her. For if it was not for her, I would not be here. Today is for you, Mom. Thank you for your unwavering belief in me while you were with us and since you have gone.
So yes, seven years ago today I lost my mom. That sounds kind of funny doesn’t it? I lost my mom…like I lost my car keys or my sunglasses? If I look in the lost and found will I find her? Or maybe if I look under the cushions, will she be there? Ah yes, that’s it! I lost her under the cushions of my couch.
Losing something means one no longer has that something. But, I still have her don’t I? I mean, I have pictures and memories and sweaters and jewelry – that counts for something, right? Of course it does. And just because she left this world as I know it, as we know it, that does not mean that I lost her. She is with me every day. In my thoughts and in my heart. And if she were here, well, there are a few things that I would want to tell her this being the first…
#1 I forgive you for not being perfect. Ok, yes I am now (thanks to your grandsons) getting the payback that I so deserve for calling you out on every little thing that you did that I thought was ridiculous or embarrassing or stupid. Really, how dare you not live up to my preconceived, predetermined, prejudged expectations of who and what a parent should be! Seriously. Who do kids think they are? They wake up in the morning, have their clothes laid out for them, breakfast made for them, sometimes the toothpaste fairy even puts the toothpaste on their toothbrushes for them. Their backpacks are ready for school, they have money for lunch, they have money for a snack, oh wait – they have money for another snack. They get picked up after school only to be chauffeured home where they will eventually have dinner prepared for them, followed by a hot shower, someone to help them with homework, a little free time – maybe the computer or TV. Then to top off that grueling day, they get tucked into a nice, warm, cozy bed. They get a kiss and a hug and finally after all that they are told how much they are loved. And you know what I get in return? Ah mom, your breath stinks. Seriously. Where did this unrelenting expectation of perfection come from? Of course my breath stinks! It’s almost nine o’clock at night and I am completely exhausted and dehydrated from running around after you all.damn.day. They say what goes around comes around, and Mom, don’t worry mine has come around in the form of a five-year old Tasmanian devil and an eleven-year old pre-pubescent ticking time bomb. Did, I mention that I forgive you for not being perfect?
So here’s the plan, for seven days I am going to post those things I would tell her if I could. If she was indeed just lost in my couch cushions. In honor of seven years. In honor of her. In honor of doing something different. For what it’s worth.