Part 2 of the truth series starts now…
Each day another layer of the onion is peeled away and I discover something new about my truth. About who I am and how I feel about things. And I feel like I am finally, after 39 years and two months (to the day), just getting to know myself. And guess what? I kinda like me.
Speaking my truth. I don’t think I ever realized that I wasn’t doing it until recently, in the last month or two. That I’ve spent so many years saying and doing what I think everyone wanted me to say and do as opposed to saying and doing what I wanted to. Now, let’s take a moment to clarify what I mean about speaking one’s truth. I’m not talking about being an asshole. I’m not talking about somebody got a bad haircut and you call them out on it. I’m talking about how I truly feel about circumstances and situations in life and as opposed to saying what I think people want to hear – acknowledging and saying what I actually think and feel. My truth. And doing so without the fear of rejection; realizing that it’s out of my control how people react and feel about my truths. It’s not my job to control or manipulate a situation in order to fix a problem or achieve a desired outcome. Looking back, all that’s ever led to is disappointment. Because in those circumstances unrealistic, false expectations are generated based on unrealistic, false truths. They haven’t been my truths. They’ve been some modified version of how I think others want me to think. Why? I don’t know. It’s probably due to some lack of self-worth, lack of self-confidence, etc. blah, blah, blah imbedded in my psyche in my formitive years that spread unwarranted, invalidated, uncontrollably like a cancer throughout adulthood. But what I am learning – what is my job – my responsibility – is it to communicate honestly, then set air-tight boundaries, and adhere to said air-tight boundaries. Guess what happens then? I set the expectations and it’s up to me to meet or not meet those expectations. It’s up to me to validate my truth.
So in the spirit of speaking truths I will share this…I am so not happy with this post. And by not happy I mean I contemplated not even posting it. Just skipping this week. I have been struggling with it all day. For no other reason than the words are just not flowing and I am not happy with the outcome. I am four plus hours past deadline. I have started and re-started and typed and deleted for hours today. Only to come up with 471 words. But alas truth again… tomorrow is another day. And I can start over then. We all can. For what it’s worth.